my awakening

numbers, measurements,
mirrors on the wall.
I cant stop thinking of you,
ever more yours.


I have let myself down again. I cant keep doing this to myself. Yesterday I went to see Goldfrapp so thought to myself i'll just have some soup and thats that, my parents cant really tell if I had eaten at my friends house before hand or not so that would be good. I got to the train station and what do I buy....4 Millies cookies, and I scoff them all in a minute of sitting down on the train, ill never get anywhere like this I thought. (Gig was awesome by the way, Alison looked a picture with her flowing curls and silk playsuit..dreamy)
Thats not it, when I got there her parents had made me food! I ate 3slices of pizza, bowl of soup and rice/mushrroms. I am doing this to myself whoever is reading this....there is no one else to blame but me!
I really do think I am an emotional eater, everything is getting to me, my mother says its the contraceptive pill and I think it partly is but im having so many issues with my dad, sister, what im doing with my life, my weight....nothing is helping me right now. Today was my awakening...I skipped work (my mother does not know yet) just so I can sort myself out and plus I was really upset about my friends not bothering with me anymore and feeling dumped on so I just did not want to be there today. So I have decided to come off the pill....see if that will make things better, I have ordered some diet pills, im doing my ballet exercises regulary and doing well.
I took 7 laxatives today and kicked in nicely so I start today and im sticking to this Raw food diet I tried to start a week ago...i would have lost by now if I hadnt have been rubbish and brought crap on my breaks. God reading this back is going to be fun!

Im trying to fill up my thinspo with more tips and it needs to be all positive weight loss results..I took some polaroids of my tummy and im determined to get it to change...its 29inch so far and hopefully with my diet and the pills i should be skinnier in no time.
Wish me Luck...i need it after my absolute crap year.





Astrid
x x x

my heart can take no more

As I look in the mirror
I see this person staring back at me.
This person is not me, I say,
She looks sad, deflated and worn out.
But as I say these words,
the person staring back says the same about me.

Im sick of being me, If I could be someone else I would...the girl standing next to me in my ballet class, the lady with the perfect family or the child care-free as she plays in the street.

I dont want to be me anymore.
Ive just sat and ate so much, very quickly and i hate myself..The past few days Ive completely slacked and I cant take anymore of it.

I am not eating full stop.

If I do thats it...its another white mark to the flesh. This is not a joke and I take it very seriously. I do not want to be this fat disgusting girl anymore...I want to be the thin, no major issues girl who just laughed about the most stupidist things with her mates and didn't care.
I will pretend im ill, say ive eaten, chew gum...anything it takes not to let another piece of food in my mouth.

I will be thin.

Astrid x x x