I weighed myself today and I am ashamed to say that I have put on 2lbs or at least I think..I brought scales ages ago and they seem inaccurate and I so I weigh myself now and then at the mall in town and so my scales say id gone down to 7stone and the town scales say I am 7st 12lbs which has really annoyed me and I feel disgusted but now I know where I am and I have to reach my goal of 85lbs which means losing 20lbs.

Today I decided to restrict myself from eating but by my break time I felt so weak and tired that I had some Veg sushi..201cals!!! I should have had a piece of fruit..[why didnt you!!!] then I came home to have my soup but then my mother came home and started dinner and she cooked 2veg sausage, 2cheese/pepper sausage, 4 potatoes and veg..why so much i feel so disgusting now i feel like purging!!!

Neglection and self loathing

Today I was meant to be meeting up with my father and sort out the issues that are tearing this family apart, But [what is this I hear] he sends me a text to say that he cant make this important family meeting, that him and his new wife set up themselves! I just don't understand, it makes me so angry. We had a 'chat' about whats bothering me and I like to think I told them as much as I felt comfortable in saying and we decided that we would have a day every fortnight which we would spend together and I am completely fine with that, its all I want [to be a normal family and see each other more often...he left my mother when i was little and hadn't seen me in around 10years] Yet once it had been arranged to do so, my new step mother decides I shouldn't see her again and that I should just meet up with my father alone...what the f**k! and then I'm back to where I just started.....he canceled on me for another time....i'm beginning to think whats the point.
If he cant be bothered to see me this one important time then will he ever. Its HIM who has the issue to be fair and he always breaks his promise and he cant understand whats the issue. Parents just mess you up even more...and you wonder why I have an issue with food and my appearance.


Anyway on with the rest of my day, which isn't any better as it is another day of self loathing and not a hint of bone to show. I will weigh myself today and put it on here so anyone following my blog can keep up to date. I have today only consumed 2 pieces of toast which I think I will try and cut out now my mornings are filled up...skipping food is my only treat. I am having my dinner now which i've made sure is not too high in calories..I will be consuming a jacket potato and salad.
My staple must haves are- green tea to boost metabolism [i.e lose weight quicker] and Water [negative calories!]


Get back to you with my new weight update.

Astrid x x x

my dirty little secret

My heart is like a shard of glass,
so ready to cut whoever should touch it.
My head, full of dreams and nightmares,
haunted by my disease.
My body should be my temple,
but it is the last place I want to be seen.

Astrid [September 2008]

Hello whoever should come across this page, you will either accept my issue or disown me for it but that it is your choice alone and I am merely here to discuss it. I am pro-Ana.
To most pro-Ana is seen as taboo and I should know better but my issue is the fact that I love it, I want to be thin to the bones, I want my hipbones to protrude from my flesh and my stomach to be impossibly flat. This is my disease and I don't want to get better.

[Before I carry on I would like to state that I do not advise anyone considering becoming Pro-Anorexia [Ana] or Pro-Bulimia [Mia] to chose this route because it becomes addictive and hard to walk away from!]

My current weight now stands at 7.5stone [105lbs], now a couple of weeks ago I lost some weight which made me feel like a whale and I started to self harm because of it, I would prick the skin and drag the scalpel down my skin to feel the pain. I am trying not to do that to myself anymore and have not in a while. That weight was 8stone [110lbs].
My ultimate goal weight is 6stone [84lbs] and I am 5ft 2in.

Now you know a small amount, yet a fact none of my close friends or family know which in a way is a huge amount I will be back again to tell you how I am getting on.
Thank you.

Astrid
x x x