Pink, Purple, Blue, Green
I wish I could be seen.
Plain, chocolate and stawberry jam,
100lbs too heavy is what I am.

Been doing good for few days, missed breakfast..not that i bother with that excuse of a meal and while I have been working I haven't eaten then and so the only meal I have is my dinner cause my mom makes it and can only say Ive eaten already so many times.

The meals she cooks are sometimes too big a portion for me so Ive been saying I'm too full to finish which is good. But yesterday my boyfriend ( I'm sure he did this on purpose-cause he knows I've 'had' a problem with eating), he came over to mine from work and had a dozen krispy kremes!
Know I do love them, there colours are amazing and cupcakes in general are cute and I love making them to bits but the calories are crap! I make them but chefs should not eat their own food.

I had 2 which was bad enough but he has left them with me now and the 5 that are left here are staring at me with their perfect icing and sprinkles!

I have been taking Alli for the past couple of weeks..eating one with every meal I have I hope it works although your meant to take them with a healthy diet (krispy kremes aint gonna help) but this is going to sound disgusting but it gets the fat of some meals out of your system so the side effect is when you go to the bathroom is slightly oily and the oils like a orange colour so that's not good but that's whats meant to happen so it means it must be working!

Is anyone else taking Alli? What do you feel about it?

love you Astrid xxx

I wonder.... nothing more.

Its been real hard trying to control myself around food, especially since whilst I was trying to get better I told my love about my problem, since thats what you do when your in love you tell each other things so you can help each other but just latley as i've been looking at myself in that disecting way i'd like it to be a sectet again as if I even miss a meal he will tell me i cant not eat and give me that look of dissapointment...what can i do?

Today ive had:
(dont normally have breakfast)
scrambled egg (diary is not good so shouldn't have put milk in!) + toast--374
cottage pie + broccoli---307
tea--25

706

Love Astrid
xxx

^Absolutely love this body!!! thin thighs and intensely flat stomach! must have...

^ picture and how id love clothes to hang off me like this!!

^Amazing figure, love how in proportion she looks....i have small bust which makes my frame look massive... hence i look fat and odd!

^Bones...love

^skinny non fat arms..... beautiful!!!

All this thinspo has made me happy and a little lighter :)

Not ate much this weekend... still ate which is crap but had not much off appetite so whoop stomach shrunk so shouldn't be as hard restricting!

love Astrid

xxx

got the blues

My skin boils, My heart pounds,

My knuckles tighten....I'm fully wound

The only good thing about my life so far this year is my partner, my family (minus my sister) and my friends. The rest of my life isn't going so well to put it lightly.

My work place have pushed me right back to floor with a big hard slam! I have worked so hard in that place and to know that I was actually getting somewhere, not where I see my future career or anything like that but somewhere that would prove to me alone that I could be seen with more respect and was actually good at something. My path in that place has been erased just like that.

DELETED

To make things even worse the person they believe is better than me has been working there for a year and 4 months less than me and has little experience in that area... feel let down completely and now I have to leave.

I am already making prior arrangements, i am doing a course now on what I truly want to do so I suppose in a way I have them to thank for something.

I am so tired and haven't had a period for about 4 months now maybe that is to do with my weight but I doubt it since I have been eating like a pig because I am all alone at home for a few weeks and I eat when I'm bored.

This is why I am on here and a key reason that I started blogging as it's a distraction.

My partner knows about my disorder and he has seen my thinspo book, which he wasn't best pleased about and if he hears me complain about my body or food he will try his best to make me take it back or make a nice compliment... It's sweet, but I don't think I will tell him that I am doing this still and that I have images already on my p.c of thinspo.

Astrid

xxx

im back

I'm back and this time I'm believing in myself more than i did, i have the perfect partner who tells me everyday how pretty i am, how much he loves me and much more for my ears only.

I do believe him more than i would have a 5months ago but I do still have a complex which will take awhile to get rid of. I hate y face- i am scarred on my cheeks and i just see it in my pictures and i feel dirty for having them there I wish they were gone, even if they were mild scars...its just they are red which makes them easier to see. I feel that having bad skin created my eating disorder in some ways as when i started to get bad skin, i would say 'I've only got my body left which is nice' and so i would then look at my body a lot more than usual and started to criticise it.

I find it easier to not eat much in the day now, i do have to eat however when with family but i have ways around that.

I wish i was better at exercise cause i believe i would look thinner and toned by now. I have been going to the gym./..but I'm not feeling much from it so might go back to DVD workout as i felt the burn with that...also I think i might go swimming and cycling with my partner because he wants to get his body all toned up too, his body is perfect though..so slim and smooth i love it.

I had taken some Alli tablets but wasn't using them properly so gonna try and get my 'diet' into better shape then start taking them and get rid of this horrible fat on my body.

Astrid

xxx

my awakening

numbers, measurements,
mirrors on the wall.
I cant stop thinking of you,
ever more yours.


I have let myself down again. I cant keep doing this to myself. Yesterday I went to see Goldfrapp so thought to myself i'll just have some soup and thats that, my parents cant really tell if I had eaten at my friends house before hand or not so that would be good. I got to the train station and what do I buy....4 Millies cookies, and I scoff them all in a minute of sitting down on the train, ill never get anywhere like this I thought. (Gig was awesome by the way, Alison looked a picture with her flowing curls and silk playsuit..dreamy)
Thats not it, when I got there her parents had made me food! I ate 3slices of pizza, bowl of soup and rice/mushrroms. I am doing this to myself whoever is reading this....there is no one else to blame but me!
I really do think I am an emotional eater, everything is getting to me, my mother says its the contraceptive pill and I think it partly is but im having so many issues with my dad, sister, what im doing with my life, my weight....nothing is helping me right now. Today was my awakening...I skipped work (my mother does not know yet) just so I can sort myself out and plus I was really upset about my friends not bothering with me anymore and feeling dumped on so I just did not want to be there today. So I have decided to come off the pill....see if that will make things better, I have ordered some diet pills, im doing my ballet exercises regulary and doing well.
I took 7 laxatives today and kicked in nicely so I start today and im sticking to this Raw food diet I tried to start a week ago...i would have lost by now if I hadnt have been rubbish and brought crap on my breaks. God reading this back is going to be fun!

Im trying to fill up my thinspo with more tips and it needs to be all positive weight loss results..I took some polaroids of my tummy and im determined to get it to change...its 29inch so far and hopefully with my diet and the pills i should be skinnier in no time.
Wish me Luck...i need it after my absolute crap year.





Astrid
x x x

my heart can take no more

As I look in the mirror
I see this person staring back at me.
This person is not me, I say,
She looks sad, deflated and worn out.
But as I say these words,
the person staring back says the same about me.

Im sick of being me, If I could be someone else I would...the girl standing next to me in my ballet class, the lady with the perfect family or the child care-free as she plays in the street.

I dont want to be me anymore.
Ive just sat and ate so much, very quickly and i hate myself..The past few days Ive completely slacked and I cant take anymore of it.

I am not eating full stop.

If I do thats it...its another white mark to the flesh. This is not a joke and I take it very seriously. I do not want to be this fat disgusting girl anymore...I want to be the thin, no major issues girl who just laughed about the most stupidist things with her mates and didn't care.
I will pretend im ill, say ive eaten, chew gum...anything it takes not to let another piece of food in my mouth.

I will be thin.

Astrid x x x