my awakening

numbers, measurements,
mirrors on the wall.
I cant stop thinking of you,
ever more yours.


I have let myself down again. I cant keep doing this to myself. Yesterday I went to see Goldfrapp so thought to myself i'll just have some soup and thats that, my parents cant really tell if I had eaten at my friends house before hand or not so that would be good. I got to the train station and what do I buy....4 Millies cookies, and I scoff them all in a minute of sitting down on the train, ill never get anywhere like this I thought. (Gig was awesome by the way, Alison looked a picture with her flowing curls and silk playsuit..dreamy)
Thats not it, when I got there her parents had made me food! I ate 3slices of pizza, bowl of soup and rice/mushrroms. I am doing this to myself whoever is reading this....there is no one else to blame but me!
I really do think I am an emotional eater, everything is getting to me, my mother says its the contraceptive pill and I think it partly is but im having so many issues with my dad, sister, what im doing with my life, my weight....nothing is helping me right now. Today was my awakening...I skipped work (my mother does not know yet) just so I can sort myself out and plus I was really upset about my friends not bothering with me anymore and feeling dumped on so I just did not want to be there today. So I have decided to come off the pill....see if that will make things better, I have ordered some diet pills, im doing my ballet exercises regulary and doing well.
I took 7 laxatives today and kicked in nicely so I start today and im sticking to this Raw food diet I tried to start a week ago...i would have lost by now if I hadnt have been rubbish and brought crap on my breaks. God reading this back is going to be fun!

Im trying to fill up my thinspo with more tips and it needs to be all positive weight loss results..I took some polaroids of my tummy and im determined to get it to change...its 29inch so far and hopefully with my diet and the pills i should be skinnier in no time.
Wish me Luck...i need it after my absolute crap year.





Astrid
x x x

my heart can take no more

As I look in the mirror
I see this person staring back at me.
This person is not me, I say,
She looks sad, deflated and worn out.
But as I say these words,
the person staring back says the same about me.

Im sick of being me, If I could be someone else I would...the girl standing next to me in my ballet class, the lady with the perfect family or the child care-free as she plays in the street.

I dont want to be me anymore.
Ive just sat and ate so much, very quickly and i hate myself..The past few days Ive completely slacked and I cant take anymore of it.

I am not eating full stop.

If I do thats it...its another white mark to the flesh. This is not a joke and I take it very seriously. I do not want to be this fat disgusting girl anymore...I want to be the thin, no major issues girl who just laughed about the most stupidist things with her mates and didn't care.
I will pretend im ill, say ive eaten, chew gum...anything it takes not to let another piece of food in my mouth.

I will be thin.

Astrid x x x

I weighed myself today and I am ashamed to say that I have put on 2lbs or at least I think..I brought scales ages ago and they seem inaccurate and I so I weigh myself now and then at the mall in town and so my scales say id gone down to 7stone and the town scales say I am 7st 12lbs which has really annoyed me and I feel disgusted but now I know where I am and I have to reach my goal of 85lbs which means losing 20lbs.

Today I decided to restrict myself from eating but by my break time I felt so weak and tired that I had some Veg sushi..201cals!!! I should have had a piece of fruit..[why didnt you!!!] then I came home to have my soup but then my mother came home and started dinner and she cooked 2veg sausage, 2cheese/pepper sausage, 4 potatoes and veg..why so much i feel so disgusting now i feel like purging!!!

Neglection and self loathing

Today I was meant to be meeting up with my father and sort out the issues that are tearing this family apart, But [what is this I hear] he sends me a text to say that he cant make this important family meeting, that him and his new wife set up themselves! I just don't understand, it makes me so angry. We had a 'chat' about whats bothering me and I like to think I told them as much as I felt comfortable in saying and we decided that we would have a day every fortnight which we would spend together and I am completely fine with that, its all I want [to be a normal family and see each other more often...he left my mother when i was little and hadn't seen me in around 10years] Yet once it had been arranged to do so, my new step mother decides I shouldn't see her again and that I should just meet up with my father alone...what the f**k! and then I'm back to where I just started.....he canceled on me for another time....i'm beginning to think whats the point.
If he cant be bothered to see me this one important time then will he ever. Its HIM who has the issue to be fair and he always breaks his promise and he cant understand whats the issue. Parents just mess you up even more...and you wonder why I have an issue with food and my appearance.


Anyway on with the rest of my day, which isn't any better as it is another day of self loathing and not a hint of bone to show. I will weigh myself today and put it on here so anyone following my blog can keep up to date. I have today only consumed 2 pieces of toast which I think I will try and cut out now my mornings are filled up...skipping food is my only treat. I am having my dinner now which i've made sure is not too high in calories..I will be consuming a jacket potato and salad.
My staple must haves are- green tea to boost metabolism [i.e lose weight quicker] and Water [negative calories!]


Get back to you with my new weight update.

Astrid x x x

my dirty little secret

My heart is like a shard of glass,
so ready to cut whoever should touch it.
My head, full of dreams and nightmares,
haunted by my disease.
My body should be my temple,
but it is the last place I want to be seen.

Astrid [September 2008]

Hello whoever should come across this page, you will either accept my issue or disown me for it but that it is your choice alone and I am merely here to discuss it. I am pro-Ana.
To most pro-Ana is seen as taboo and I should know better but my issue is the fact that I love it, I want to be thin to the bones, I want my hipbones to protrude from my flesh and my stomach to be impossibly flat. This is my disease and I don't want to get better.

[Before I carry on I would like to state that I do not advise anyone considering becoming Pro-Anorexia [Ana] or Pro-Bulimia [Mia] to chose this route because it becomes addictive and hard to walk away from!]

My current weight now stands at 7.5stone [105lbs], now a couple of weeks ago I lost some weight which made me feel like a whale and I started to self harm because of it, I would prick the skin and drag the scalpel down my skin to feel the pain. I am trying not to do that to myself anymore and have not in a while. That weight was 8stone [110lbs].
My ultimate goal weight is 6stone [84lbs] and I am 5ft 2in.

Now you know a small amount, yet a fact none of my close friends or family know which in a way is a huge amount I will be back again to tell you how I am getting on.
Thank you.

Astrid
x x x